Managing Your Emotions Is An Inside Job

I started laughing at myself recently because it was just one of those days where I was feeling joyful one moment, sad the next. One moment I was super calm, then I received an email that sent my mind a racing. On this same day, I felt deeply connected to myself and clear on my life vision, and then by the afternoon I started questioning my career choices because of a text I received. All in one day! 

As I was reflecting on the range of emotions I had experienced that day, I just started giggling at myself and how my mind loves to take me on these daily ‘emotional adventures.’

I also realize I am not alone in feeling this way as my clients share similar feelings in our coaching sessions. On any given day, they may be feeling so many emotions that they can’t even put words to what they are feeling. 

So you aren’t alone if you have felt this way too, especially given all the worldly events over the last several months. 

Usually the next question on my client’s mind is, where do I go from here? How do I make this stop because I don’t want to feel this way anymore?

And this is a great question.

First, I always remind my clients that there is so much beauty in our emotions. We like to label some emotions as being bad, like anger, resentment, judgment, and fear, but really there is nothing bad about them. Emotions are data points. They are clues about where healing needs to take place, so I like to compare them to gold. They hold a lot of value because they are invitations for healing. 

When we heal ourselves from the inside out we show up more fully in life. We feel good and can now function more effectively, so for these experiences we should be grateful. This is the first step when looking into our emotions, being grateful for the free ride on the 'emotional roller coaster.’

The next thing that comes to mind is to remember the acronym S-T-O-P. This means that when you notice an emotional response being triggered inside you, or when you start to feel ‘out-of-sorts,’ you should literally S-T-O-P. 

S - Stop what you are doing (most of us want to keep going like the energizer bunny!)

T - Take 3 deep breaths

O - Observe what is going on in the mind and body non-judgmentally

P - Then proceed with kindness and compassion (towards yourself and others)

This acronym can be the most fundamental step in coping with a difficult person or situation that triggers an emotional response. We are human, which means we get triggered by others for one reason or another, and on this specific day, I noticed that most of my reactions were brought on by my interpretation of other people’s behaviors. Key word here being ‘interpretation’ - how I was interpreting their words and behaviors towards me.

No matter how challenging a person or situation is, it's important to pause because this will help to derail any emotional reactions that arise and could help you stay on track to communicate mindfully. When we take time to pause, we create the space to consciously recognize that we have been triggered, which means we can then consciously choose how to respond.

Let's use my friend Kelly’s story of how she used this STOP model as an example (this is a fake name for anonymity). 

Kelly was on her way to a meeting with a colleague, and the last time she met with them they were dismissing all of her ideas. In anticipation for the meeting, she could FEEL her anxiety levels increasing because she was worried about how they would respond to another idea she was pitching. In this moment as her anxiety was coming on, Kelly remembered we had discussed the act of STOPPING, and so she did just that. 

It took everything Kelly had to actually stop what she was doing in that moment when she felt her anxiety take hold, but she did it. After she stopped, she brought her awareness into the present moment by taking 3 deep breaths and then she observed the sensations in her body. In doing this, Kelly realized she was clenching her jaw, and that her shoulders felt tense too, so she released the tension in those areas. She sat there for another moment after taking these deep breaths to simply observe the thoughts and emotions that were coming up, non-judgmentally. As she sat in stillness, she noticed how fast her heart was still thumping, so decided to take a few more moments of silence. 

When she felt she was ready to proceed with her day, she thanked herself for taking time to stop and tune inward. She also reminded herself that anxiety is the worst use of her imagination, but that creativity is the best use of her imagination. Anxiety is all a result of imagining what COULD go wrong by making up stories that might not even happen. As Kelly headed into her meeting, she now felt more calm and positive about the potential outcome.

Try what Kelly did next time you notice you are being triggered in a situation. It's such a simple technique, but not easy, because we need to retrain the brain to slow down, and this takes practice. We are wired to go, go, go. 

It is so important to cultivate mindfulness in order to even recognize that we are feeling something that might not feel good because it helps us respond appropriately vs. react in a way we might later regret. 

One of my favorite ways to practice mindfulness is to add reminders to my phone to check in with myself. They go off a few times a day reminding me to take a deep breath, practice gratitude, or say a prayer. This helps to stop any habitual thinking patterns I might have gotten into during the day.

Take time to reflect and journal, practice a sitting meditation, or go for a mindful walk are other great ways to practice mindfulness. There are so many things you could do to help cultivate present moment awareness, so all you have to do is commit to beginning. 

Thinking of our emotions as little treasures leading us down the path to healing, is a much more nourishing thought vs labeling them as bad, or even worse suppressing them. It can be a beautiful thing to S-T-O-P and feel your emotions by learning to see the beauty in them. Take some time today to check in with yourself to see where you are at because managing your emotions is an inside job. 

Lots of love!